Hello everyone! My name’s Ella.I just want to say I am very thankful to Coach Shiela for allowing me this opportunity to share my story.
I want to put this disclaimer that there’s a lot more to my story, but I am not ready to fully share that part. What I am sharing is how I slowly got to my self-acceptance. And how I feel it is important to teach children that they are enough. I do have a support system of amazing people who stuck with me through my darkest times. These people are my everything. They truly showed me that I am worthy. It just took me a very long time for me to really accept it as the truth.
I had a very hard time writing this as I didn’t know what to share. I was asked about my story because, I posted on my Instagram talking about Suicide. How I was once in that place where I personally felt that the world would be better without me in it.
Now, I want to say that no I don’t always have a rain cloud over my head, I’m not crying in my room, I’m not always sad. I am happy to say that I do have good days, and I have a lot of them. But when the bad days come it can take me awhile to get out of it.
See when you first meet me your first thought isn’t she’s so depressed or something is wrong with her. You see big curly hair and a happy smile. You see my positive energy coming out and you think, “Wow she seems really nice.” And that’s exactly what I want you as an outsider to know. I want you to know the happy me. I love that version of me.
So, this is where I will start. At a young age I knew I was different. I had dark skin; curly hair and I was chubby. See my weight was always an issue, and it seemed to make my parents unhappy. Now please know my parents are good people, but this was what they knew. I’m not here to make excuses for them, but I can say I do understand their thought process as it was what they knew culturally. See in the Filipino Culture a “perfect” daughter must be smart, respectful, obedient, light skin, straight hair, and skinny. I wasn’t that. So, my parents tried to make me that. And as a young child you learned that you aren’t enough if you don’t fit this criteria. I can say that a lot of Filipinos care about the physical appearance. What society sees matters. You want to give the illusion that you and your family have it all together. And my parents wanted to look good to society. Because they believed that was part of having a good life and not be judged by other people. But what it really did was give me self-esteem issues. That If I wasn’t anything close to their version of “perfect” I wasn’t enough. And it made me feel unlovable. And that part really crushed me. At 5-6 years old I didn’t like who I was.
Not only did I have to deal with not being enough to my parents I wasn’t good enough for society either. Kids are mean. Sorry! I just want to be honest. I went to private school from kindergarten to 8th Grade and my school was 99% Filipino. I was fucked. Parents and kids had no shame letting me know I would be beautiful if I dropped the weight. I envied the skinny, pretty, and smart kids so much. I was known as fat and ugly. I was teased, kids called me elephant, piggy, they would pinch me, pushed me. I remember crying to my mom and she told me, “Well if you lose weight they will stop” or “See what I am telling you. No one likes a fat person.” I never was comforted or told anything positive. I hatred the phase sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt me. Words hurt. They leave an imprint on you, and you feel labeled for the rest of your life.
So, I spent a lot of my childhood trying to be perfect. My mom placed me on every diet known to man and I didn’t work. I never was able to drop the weight. I just got bigger. I remember my mom getting so upset that she told me that if I have to be hospitalized because of my weight she will never visit me. And that she will disown me. I was instructed to use bleaching soaps to lighten my skin that crashed because it flared my psoriasis up. And that was another issue they were mad at.
Not only was I fat I had skin issues. My parents paid a lot of money to make my hair straight. My mom couldn’t maintain curly hair, so they did what they felt was best. I did everything I could to be the person they wanted me to be, and I would cry asking God, “Why did you have to make me this way?”
And that caused me to be very depressed. Because I was so fixated on being someone, I wasn’t for people I just wanted to like me, accept me, and ultimately love me. So, when I was in 8th grade I tried to take my life. It was my first attempt. And when I mentioned it to a classmate, she told on me. They called my parents, and I embarrassed them, and they didn’t know what to do with me. I was taken to the ER, and they told my parents what they should do. So, I did therapy for a little bit, but my parents felt that it wasn’t worth it and that I was just seeking attention. So, they took me out. And they told me to do better and just try to be happy. Because I had more than other people. I should be thankful and grateful for everything that I have. And that I am selfish to give up a life worth living. I was a lost cause to them, so I just kept it quiet. I hide my depression and my thoughts. I tried to believe I could be better.
So, one day I thought of a great idea that I can learn to be what others preserved me to be. I needed to be exactly what the person in front of me needed me to be. If you liked dogs I liked dogs. Personally, I just got over my fear of dogs. You loved rap music I loved rap music. You didn’t like I person I didn’t like them either. Whatever I could do to make that person or people happy with me I did. Sure, I know what I loved personally. Little dogs because I was bigger them, I do love Eminem, Snoop Dogg, etc., and even though you didn’t like that person I secretly did like them. But I couldn’t let them know that because I didn’t want to lose them. I did this with family member, friends, and relationships. It was an endless cycle of trying to find people to like me. When all reality I needed to like myself. But how could you when all you were ever told was you are not enough. These people who finally accepted me good or bad I needed them. And I did this for years, YEARS. I never wanted to disappoint people, because if you accepted me for being who you “assumed” I was, I was enough. But that isn’t living life. That’s a hold you give people, and it creates unhealthy boundaries. That I allowed people to abuse me emotionally. Well to be honest physically too. I remember those beatings. I remember the pain and I remembered my thoughts that I deserved that pain because I couldn’t be enough. And when I would lose those people, because trust me I did it broke me. I was mad at myself that I allowed the abuser to no longer be in my life. I let it consume me. I told myself I was unworthy, and I deserved the beatings. And I lost someone who at one time cared for me, all because I failed to be the person they needed me to be. How fucked up is that! But that’s where I was at.
I think this was the reason on why I couldn’t stay on track with things. I would build habits and give up when I lost interest. My focus was always on the next best thing or person. And when they no longer took interest in things I didn’t either. These unhealthy habits I started affected me in my adult life. It affected everything. I was consistently hitting rock bottom, and I needed others to help get me out. I truly never got out for myself. I needed other to help me out of it because it showed me that people cared for me. I wanted others to save me. To tell me I was enough so I would believe that I truly was.
In 2017 I lost my dad. I was somewhat his caretaker, and daughter all in one. I created such an unhealthy relationship with my dad that it hurt my mental health. See he needed me, and I needed him so that we were part of each other’s lives. But I wanted a father daughter relationship, and he needed me to take him to appointments, the store, etc. and it created me to move mountains to dowhat he needed and when I couldn’t I was the worse person in the world in his eyes. Its to the point where some family members hate me so much. It was bad. So, when my dad died, I failed. I couldn’t save him. I did everything he needed yet he passed away. I failed as his caretaker and his daughter. This ate me up. Attempt two at suicide. I tried to overdose. It didn’t work. *Disclaimer My dad was really sick, and he passed away because he became septic after his operation.
I would say 2020 was the year that I really hit rock bottom. I mean it was for the entire world, but it
caused me to really look at myself. And I was still grieving the loss of my dad, I was over working, and I hated that I wasn’t any where I was supposed to be. I was still fat and getting fatter, I would binge eat like crazy, I was bouncing from job to job, and I hated my life. Did I mention I wasn’t anywhere I needed to be, and I kept comparing myself too others. Everyone was living a perfect life in my eyes. And the reason my life wasn’t where I wanted it to be was because I never forgot the stigma that was embedded in me from my childhood.
I would tell myself I was worthless, unlovable, stupid, ugly, a failure an embarrassment. No one can love someone like me. How could they I was disgusting. A terrible human being who cannot do anything right. People are only in my life because of what I can do for them. That if I died no one will care. No one will show up to my funeral and they would be thankful I was gone. I would envision my funeral, and it would be empty. My mom telling everyone how much I embarrassed her. People would be upset not because I was gone, but because I no longer could help them. That everyone could move on because I was finally no longer an issue.
And it started to eat away at me. It got so bad that I tried to drive my car off a cliff. My third attempt. I remember that night. Have you ever taken the drive down PCH? Theres a part where you are entering Newport or Crystal Cove and it’s the State Beach and its mostly cliffs. I was ready to drive off and fall to my death. I would finally be free. I would no longer try and be the person everyone wants me to be. No one would notice I was gone till a couple days later. And I will finally be happy.That night I was ready. I was almost there, and I remembered I was pushing on the gas petal. A little harder as I was getting closer, I was almost there that I could floor it and it will be over soon enough. And I remember slamming the brakes. Pulling off to the side and started crying. I told myself my life had to have some meaning.
So I drove home, and I walked up to my brother-in-law, and I told him everything. And I cried. He took my keys and told me that he understood, and that he didn’t want to lose me, and he truly meant that. He told me he felt the same way at times and it’s hard. He encouraged me to reach out and seek help. I told my two best friends and there’s a reason why I consider them my best friends. They showed me that people really cared for me. That this, this person I was trying to play for them to like me they saw through it. These people I owe them my life.
They were there for my immediately and they both wanted me to seek help. That they would be
devastated if I was no longer here. Not because of what I could do for them, but because I was gone. The person they cared for was no longer here. And they really hope that I could see how important of a person I am. And that it doesn’t matter what everyone else is thinking about me, but what I think of myself. They told me endlessly I was worth it. It took me a long time to believe them. But I finally did.
So, I sought help. I’ve been in therapy for 4 years now. I’ve been working through a lot of my issues.
I’m nowhere near perfect. But what I do know is that I do not have to fit a criteria to be enough. Because I am enough for me. I’m everything the 5-year-old me thought she was before she was told otherwise. I’m healing for her, because we both deserve it. Know that if you ever doubt yourself, I’m here to remind you that you are perfect the way you are. Your flaws do not define you. We are healing and that’s the beautiful.
So, I will leave you with this,
You are worthy, smart, beautiful, compassionate, kind, and most of all
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
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