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My Past Doesn't Dictate Who I Am

There are many types of reiki out there that do different types of healing. I never thought the one I would have would completely change my life. My cousin suggested I see a Reiki. She thought I needed it after the traumatizing year I had. I was hesitant at first, but she explained this was spiritual healing that I longed for. I told her if she can get me an appointment, I'll go. If not, it wasn't meant to be. 

An appointment was scheduled.

I was nervous, anxious, and curious about what was going to happen. I have never done this before so I had no idea what to expect. When she opened the door, I was shocked to see a familiar face, I had seen her somewhere before, but couldn't quite point where.

She guides me to her guest room where she does all her sessions. I had no idea what I was doing! 

Some spiritual views hold that our body is more than just physical and mental, it’s also an energetic system called chakras. 

She started to go over my chakras… 

The Reiki session unveiled harsh memories tied to my grandfather. Recollections surfaced of a time when I was young, recalling his protective nature and affection towards me. However, intertwined with these memories were darker moments, a silence I couldn't break.

My ex and I used IVF and were pregnant with twins. Sadly, we lost them after 3 months. 

During a session, the Reiki sensed my grandparents' energy. They said my grandpa was there but quiet. “He had his head held down” were her exact words. 

As a child, my grandpa molested me. Multiple times. 

Flashbacks emerged of these recurring dreams where I struggled to voice a firm "no" to his “advances” These dreams coincided with our tragic loss of twins after announcing the pregnancy, triggering a belief in reincarnation. I remembered saying “no” in all three dreams, but it wasn’t a loud or stern voice. A quiet "no" because he wanted to keep this secret. He kept trying to convince me to give him a kiss... It still brings chills down my spine when I think of them. We believed that my grandparents were to be reincarnated as my children. That's why I kept having these dreams. My grandparents were asking to come back into my life, reincarnated as my children. The twins told me it wasn't my fault they weren't born. 

My mom mentioned accepting my grandfather in my dreams. I remembered a dream where I couldn't say "no" to him. This dream repeated three times before we lost the twins. Was this a sign? Was I supposed to “accept” him in my future? It was tough to tell everyone about our loss after announcing the pregnancy.

I felt angry because he hurt me, and I didn't want him to have another chance. Someone said I had to accept my grandparents for me to have kids. I was so angry at the time, but I also wanted to be a mother so badly. So, now Eloise is my grandma and Lincoln is my grandpa.

During the Reiki session, the practitioner was surprised how quickly they got reincarnated. I felt like I needed to make sure they didn't become like my grandparents. I didn't hate my grandma, but I was disappointed. She was supposed to be my protector and guardian. She didn't protect me from my grandpa. She knew every time he did something wrong in his room… I would tell her, "But he touches me.” Instead of protecting me from him, she blackmailed him for money every month. It hurt because I thought I could trust her, but she failed to keep me safe.

He molested me from the age of 6 years until I was 22. He molested me until I could finally move out, after I finished my bachelors.

This connection between my loss and the unresolved feelings towards my grandfather surfaced during the Reiki session. The practitioner sensed my grandparents' presence and shared their belief in a karmic responsibility linked to their reincarnation.

My confessions about my strained relationship with my grandmother and the lingering disappointment and betrayal by my grandfather deepened the session's revelations. The practitioner connected these experiences to the imbalance in my root chakra, shedding light on my quest for external security and protection.

The session concluded with advice to confront these unresolved emotions with my grandfather, sharing how his actions affected me, and embracing forgiveness as a path toward healing and an open heart.

After my Reiki session, I've realized the importance of sharing my experience to prevent others from suffering. I want to create a safe space for those whose voices have been silenced. I regret not speaking up earlier, but my intentions were to shield my kids from harm. Now, I hope that by sharing my story, it can reach people worldwide, raising awareness among parents that it's never too late to safeguard their loved ones.

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